Friday, February 5, 2010

The Disenchanted Princess

I threw away some bad art the other day. Walked back to the trash bin thinking that I should have kept it but then no it's done. It's gone and I am better for it. But I'm not and I miss it now despite the years I never looked at it. Threw away dancing salt and pepper containers to Moonlight Sonata and downtown interviews the kitchen tutus stalking me and a soap opera. Dreaming of Miranda July and a piece of lint floating in the sky. In a better world without toxicity but then poison seeped in just with an email. Bringing back the evil so easily and trying to rope me into conversation because of offering some stories on an old computer. Convinced myself not to be honest with those that mattered and were in fact loved then thinking they didn't care. He didn't care. And now regret. It might be pointless, weird even maybe and yet just too late. Let it go. Conflicted about honesty. Embarrassing situations repeating. Letters never sent. Writing epic novels of nothing in a journal and amazed how much comes out. Yards and yards of fabric hand dyed paper woven structures and felt balls are now a joking matter. But I had believed and seen it. And really everything has meaning. Zero direction and too many places to go. Expectations are too high from everyone. Starting to withdraw again. Put the seal skins back on and jump back into the ocean. Swim.


  1. "In a mad world only the mad are sane." --Akira Kurosawa

    I don't know the details, but I suspect I know the emotion. All too well in fact.

    The past doesn't have to control the present. Don't let it weigh you down. Regrets are things to learn from, not to punish yourself with.

    It's ok to sulk for a while now and again; it's human nature. Your friends are still here when your ready to smile again.

  2. I am a firm believer of "find and speak your truth." Honesty is never a bad or wrong thing. Lying is.

    Harry Frankfurt's "On Truth" is a must read on this issue. Like "On Bullshit," it's well worth considering the notion of defining and expressing truth.

    I'll paraphrase one point. When a person lies to us, it's not so much the lie that bothers us as much as the fact that we put so much trust in the person who's responsible. If we were wrong about trusting this person who deceived us, what else are we wrong about.

    Also, I'm struck by the issue of holding on to old art and work. It's one of the greatest Catch 22s there are. It's painful when revisiting past work and you question your worth as an artist then and now. You also question why you are saving these pieces. Yet, you need it as a benchmark to see how you have progressed and changed. And if you didn't or the change is not much, it challenges you to think about why you should continue.

    Sorry it's taken me so long to read these. I am struck by the shift in tone from the earliest entries to the present. The writing is is as crisp and vivid, and what a wonderful benchmark to chart your feelings and see the results.

  3. What amazing post! I appreciate your work. Keep on!