The other day I had dinner with friends that had been in the peace corp and I told them of my missed opportunities and confusion. I said that I wished I took my energy four years ago and poured it into law. Instead, getting out of Chicago and traveling were top priority and I regret that now. They said I was nuts for looking at things that way. They said that was what I was supposed to do. Granted, they are an adventurous bunch but it brought me comfort to think that things are as they should be.
Another friend recently told me that I am unable to make decisions because I am in an unhealthy environment. The demands on me are too high here. When I think of it though I remember making seriously bad decisions in Seattle. Bad decisions on men, money, drinking, job, saturated fat, etc. I hopped off that bus and landed back in routine and stability.
My career counselor told me that I was well on my way to being a Renaissance Woman. Immediately I had a vision of myself in a long flowing skirt and awful corset with fat bulging out of every seam wearing Birkenstocks and eating a turkey drumstick. Needless to say I was highly insulted until she told me it was a cliched term for the woman of many interests. That's not so bad I guess.
Since my New Year's resolution for 2010 was to be more honest with everyone I can't believe that I forgot to include myself in that. Everyone mentioned that they heard me say, "I should do this.....I should want this.......I might try and.....I think I'm going to..." This isn't honesty. I can't believe that I've been saying those things for years.
I hope that I'm not easily influenced but things happen where I get romanced for a moment and then it flies away. In Israel I went out with a group of people one night and had a lengthy conversation with a man. He had been a scuba instructor in Honduras for two years right after serving in the army. His favorite place to travel was South America and he learned to speak Spanish fluently. He moved back to Israel to do school but intends to work in the EU because his parents were from Sweden. There was a moment where I thought: I can't believe that I have never dated a guy like this. This was they type of guy that I should have met years ago on one of my own adventures.
I recalled some of my travel experiences and there were sexy moments but never a real connection with another interesting person. In Prague I had a wild ecstasy fueled romance with an American guy. I vaguely remember making out with him in the halls and on the floor of our hotel while people had to scoot around us to get past. Mr. America and I were so destroyed for the duration of that trip that somehow he ended up showing my passport to security at the airport. I never spent a sober moment with him.
I definitely remember my make-out session with an Irish guy after a brewery tour in New Zealand. He was going down on me in a public bathroom when two locals walked in and laughed their heads off. We left and went to the bar across the street but unfortunately that was were the guys had gone and announced their findings to everyone. I was mortified at the applause and Mr. Ireland said that he wished it was the other way around they had found us in. Thanks a lot Ireland.
So when I say that I "should have" met someone like Mr. Israel on my travels, the fact remains that I've met plenty of guys and tried plenty of stupid things and they were always wrong. The idea that I "should have" something better is a notion that really holds me back from making real decisions. I should have been a teacher. I should have volunteered at that kibbutz years ago. I should have blah blah blah. When Mr. Israel stood up from the table to say goodbye, I found out that he was much shorter than me. You can call it superficial if you want, but the fantasy went right out the window in an instant.
I should have moved to Dekalb? Nope. I got off that bus. It was going the wrong direction.