Wednesday, February 24, 2010
The eyeballs are pulling away from my head and the knives behind them are jabbing and everything is blurry and there is now trouble with eating. I watch someone do nothing all the time and wonder what happened. Expecting the world of me but when I leave in the kitchen when I get home in the kitchen on my days off in the kitchen. I try to explain and head is bitten off and have decided not to bottle and say things but it may be motivated by headaches and general shock. Don't bottle anyway. They are angry that it bothers me and I am let down. Watching faces light up today because of giving customers an item they want under bullet proof glass. Want such a feeling of relief and momentarily find it. Losing battle. Listening to one yell at me in Spanish and I pretend that I don't understand her and answer back in English and she pretends not to understand me but she does. Cold towel on my eyeballs for an hour and a precious lie down. Tried to draw this tried to clean tried to cook chicken in wine but not hungry. Don't know how daring I feel in baking anymore. Computer screen making the eyeballs tear. Tulips on my dresser and a yellow skirt tomorrow to battle this weather.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Slow days. Bored and achy. Need hands kneading a dough but on my legs. Palms pushing into my calves and hamstrings with cream. Making work but daydreaming constantly. Can't get a private moment. Delirious. Couldn't a pastry cutter roll down the backs of my arms? A brush dipped in lavender oil lightly touches my neck... A dough prickler makes its way around my scalp and cookie presses release cool water onto my chest. Olive oil massages into my head and a single hot pepper caresses my lips. Deep dark chocolate melts in my mouth and an icing spatula spreads applesauce over my stomach. A cheesecloth blindfolds me while a rolling pin runs up and down my back. Chocolate forks tickle my feet and raspberries rest on my eyelids. My mattress turns into a fluffy pancake with maple syrup falling off my hips and it all dissolves into a sea of warm milk where I can sleep in peace.
Friday, February 5, 2010
I threw away some bad art the other day. Walked back to the trash bin thinking that I should have kept it but then no it's done. It's gone and I am better for it. But I'm not and I miss it now despite the years I never looked at it. Threw away dancing salt and pepper containers to Moonlight Sonata and downtown interviews the kitchen tutus stalking me and a soap opera. Dreaming of Miranda July and a piece of lint floating in the sky. In a better world without toxicity but then poison seeped in just with an email. Bringing back the evil so easily and trying to rope me into conversation because of offering some stories on an old computer. Convinced myself not to be honest with those that mattered and were in fact loved then thinking they didn't care. He didn't care. And now regret. It might be pointless, weird even maybe and yet just too late. Let it go. Conflicted about honesty. Embarrassing situations repeating. Letters never sent. Writing epic novels of nothing in a journal and amazed how much comes out. Yards and yards of fabric hand dyed paper woven structures and felt balls are now a joking matter. But I had believed and seen it. And really everything has meaning. Zero direction and too many places to go. Expectations are too high from everyone. Starting to withdraw again. Put the seal skins back on and jump back into the ocean. Swim.