A lot can change in just a month or even a week.
In December I received a dream job offer, but two weeks later it was spoken of as if hypothetical. Something about needing to create space in order to make the job a reality was the excuse given for the change of heart. Feeling crushed at first I wondered just what the universe is trying to tell me? Is this a situation in which to give patience or to flee because your own heart says it will never happen? And isn't it dejavu? Haven't you been told before that you'd be great at...blah blah blah and then you watch time pass realizing it was just a compliment to keep you doing the same old thing.....?
In December I journaled that I want more than anything to receive a graduate degree in "Good Execution," with a certificate in "Patience," since these are qualities I need help with. If any of you know where it is that I can get those credentials, please contact me asap. I consistently have good ideas but have absolutely no idea how to carry them out in real life. The patience factor is huge since my learning lesson of 2010 is that perseverance can pay off in the right circumstances. I've never had the patience to push through a bad time, I just make immediate change. Usually it works to my benefit, but I can see now that maybe I could have waited more patiently to be given a chance.
However, I don't miss the grating behavior of all the Brittneys, Jennys, Phils, Adams, Franks, Amons, Kathleens, Mias, Mitchs, Chicos, Janettes, and Altheas I spent time assisting. The mere lack of respect I faced with all of those people just made me DESPERATE for change. Desperate enough even, to be tempted by the devil. I honestly think I've been possessed for the last four years and the fog has only begun to clear. A new idea of focusing on my strengths rather than trying to conquer weaknesses is slowly taking over. Rather than looking at my time as wasted I see that colossal blunders pave way for better paths.
I also see that creating road blocks isn't going to help achieve any goals. For example, I have stated for years that I would never live with a boyfriend unless there were marriage plans. Well, what guarantee does marriage give you exactly? There isn't one. It's just a pretty awesome party. Living with someone isn't the end of the world and I feel my marriage interest fading anyway. It's just that I fear for getting stuck with another Al Bundy who endlessly complains while watching tv after work. I also desperately fear for losing freedom, which I've fought for in the first place. I've set up significant road blocks which stop me before I even give it a chance.
My tendency to over-do has had me laughing at myself. I picked up a babysitting gig for 3 suburbanite kids, which has got to be the easiest job of my life. When their mother told me that I had to cook dinner I agonized over what I consistently cooked well and asked three people for advice. My first night there I followed a recipe the mom left for me. I told the kids not to worry, I could take criticism and would make them something else if they didn't like it. They couldn't care less. It was food. It was simple food and they ate it and I worried over nothing. Oh yeah! They're kids. They don't care if I put enough spices on the pasta, or if the broccoli is slightly overcooked. They just want to hurry up and get sustenance so they can go back to their video game. Huge reality check.
Despite 2011 having a rocky start, my priorities have changed for the better. In the last month I have already accomplished a few minor goals, I started some fun craft projects, I found new muscles I didn't know I had, I picked up a cash job, I applied for much better full time jobs that I deserve, tomorrow I will start a program to teach yoga to young children, and I think I might be a writer. Not too shabby for one month.