God Bless America

So there I was swimming in the Atlantic Ocean when a lengthy piece of human poop floated past me. I had taken a moment to stand and move my hair from my face when I saw it and immediately thought it had touched me somehow. I checked everything but no, it was just making its way closer to the beach I presume. When that man had been yelling that the seagulls were eating "it" earlier I hadn't paid him much attention thinking that he dropped some food in the water. Then again who eats while swimming in the ocean?

Another strange part about this experience was that moments earlier I had been reading a David Sedaris book. My absolute favorite David Sedaris story is the one where he uses the bathroom at a friend's house and finds a turd in the toilet that simply won't flush. He frantically tried to get rid of it, all the while worried that the next person in there would think it was his. I never laughed so hard at a story ever in my life but I can tell you that I did not laugh at my moment with someone else's poop.

I thought for a mili second about warning the huge family near me that a piece of poop was coming towards their children but jumped out instead and came back to my towel in a daze. I managed to play it off like eew ok gross I got out of there everything is ok now but really I was messed up. I needed to lay out in the sun and feel the sand and think happy thoughts. However, nearly every time I closed my eyes I could see the poop floating in front of me. This went on for a couple days. When asked how I enjoyed the ocean I immediately saw the poop and tried to think of something more amusing like that fat guy in American flag swim trunks.

It didn't work so I tried to talk about the incident to others in hope of therapeutic release. It turns out that no one I know has come across a poop while swimming so far unless they are not fessing up about it. Not only that but my friends didn't seem all that sympathetic. I thought someone would ask if I was ok or give me a hug but no. They just changed the subject because they are afraid of poop but so am I people! So am I. The friend that I was with changed our dinner plans and asked me if I needed to shower after the beach because she wanted to get going asap. Wanting to seem like a good guest I didn't have a firm resolve one way or another but you better believe I needed that shower! Luckily I managed one and scrubbed in a fury.

Let me be clear, swimming in the ocean or just being nearby and listening to the waves is my absolute favorite thing in the world to do. Combining my favorite thing in the world with excrement is a disaster of epic proportions. How does one get over such a tragedy? This week I tried to remember all the good times I've had in open water and luckily there are many: I went swimming with Dusky Dolphins in the Pacific Ocean. I floated in the Dead Sea. I swam naked in the Aegean Sea. I was treading water in Lake McKenzie when a light warm rain came in and it was an absolute miracle to be in that moment. I've laid in the wet sand on the Whitsunday Islands. I went scuba diving in the Great Barrier Reef. Surely those experiences outweigh crossing paths with a poop. At least I wasn't surrounded by tar balls.

I really don't know what you want me to do.

It's not what I want it's what you should want for yourself.

Clearly it's what you want otherwise you wouldn't bring it up. I don't have to do things because you want me to.

You don't see yourself the way other people see you.

Why should I care? You're so wound up in misery you can't find a way to be content with anything at all.

You should want more for yourself.

If you spend all your time wishing you had more then you will never be satisfied at all. I can't live like that. I'm not going to be disappointed everyday of my life. It's a syndrome; something that people see therapists for.

I know. But I only have you. (tears) You don't see yourself. You're the envy of everyone around you.

How can you be so delusional? I just want to be me. If I am smiling what is there to cry about?

You should try harder.

I don't do enough? Let me tell you something. I don't owe you anything. I am here for me. I am not going to do anything just because you want it. You have to stop wanting so much perfection.

I don't want perfection. I want what is best for you. You are leagues beyond what you have. Why don't you put yourself if better surroundings?

So says the woman that wants me to live here forever. I don't regret the majority of my decisions.

(more tears) I talk to plenty of people and they said that their daughters.....

I'm supposed to do what they do? What about just living for myself? I know that you want me to have all the things that you didn't have and want more than what you had and I'm supposed to accomplish what you couldn't do; it's ridiculous. You have to get over it.

You are throwing your life away. You are incredibly intelligent but make stupid decisions all the time.

Isn't it exhausting to be disappointed all the time? You are choosing to dislike my decisions. I am choosing to live my life. I've already done a ton of things to meet people and change my own circumstances. You sit around the house all day depressed. How is that any way to live?

I have plenty of things to do. I clean, I cook, I take care of everyone. I'm tired of living for all of you.

That's your own fault. Do whatever you want. I don't need your help.

You do need help you just don't see it. You're so beautiful and you only hang out with stupid people. You think bars are a nice place to meet people? Lousy people hang out in bars. Volunteer for a campaign. You will meet nice intelligent people that way. Remember I told you about that math professor that is running for office? You should work for him.

Who are these people that are so much better? Where are they? I have no idea what you're talking about.

That's because you're not making yourself available to change and opening your mind. You need to....

I'm not opening my mind? (walk away, slam door)