It's weird hanging out with the family. It's not at all what I thought it would be. I've realized that I always do better when on my own in every sense of that meaning. I make better decisions and see things clearly when I don't have anyone influencing me or anyone that I feel I have to please. Unfortunately I am very easily influenced and aim to please all the fucking time. Fuck that.
I now know three other people that are living in their parent's homes and one that is considering making the move. Luckily I am not the oldest of this group but what difference does it make anyway? Home seems to give some sense of comfort when you don't know what the hell you are doing and are sick of it. The move made perfect sense to me a month ago. Today I can tell you that the great plans I had are fizzling and the loneliness is immeasurable.
Long ago and far away I went to therapy. I learned tools that helped alleviate anxiety and depression. Today I didn't use those tools but instead watched Marley and Me and cried a ton. I've never wanted a dog more than at this very moment. The important thing to do in times like this is to remember the things that are going well and remind yourself of things you have to look forward to.
Things that are going well:
Before sitting down to write I danced around my room to Spoon. I am currently drinking pumpkin ale which rocks my world. Earlier today I made quinoa with a tofu vegetable scramble and yogurt sauce with garlic and mint. I also bought almond flour for an upcoming project and sold my collection of Babysitters Club books. Last Friday I went to see a musical called "Co-Ed Prison Sluts," and it was excellent. The songs have been in my head all week. I found a necklace I forgot I had and am wearing it now. I observed a high school art class and was inspired. My grandma had the flu but is better now. I learned that if I talk to my mother in an authoritative voice she listens. For example yesterday she must have asked me about 7 times to go over with her and Dad to a friend of theirs for dinner. She tried everything even to the point of telling me that she was bringing them a pear tart and didn't I want a slice? So I said: YOU WILL DROP THIS NOW, in a voice that could have been used to announce monster truck shows. It worked. She said ok and walked away. It was a proud moment. This week I also went to a bakery and thought I could do better. I love when that happens.
Things to look forward to:
The Chicago International Film Festival is happening and I have already planned on a few films. A friend will be in town from Florida very soon. I felt better today then I did yesterday so if things progress that way I should be ok. I am going to look at a pastry school next week because why not? Having no direction means total freedom. I am going to watch all my Hitchcock VHS tapes before selling them away. I might try to set something up for a flea market. I will visit Minneapolis in December. I will help my mom pick something out for a baby shower. I started reading The Artist's Way finally. I am going to make potato pancakes soon. Maybe facebook is a way to feel less lonely. Maybe I could get a dog tomorrow.