Gamble

I had something to send in the mail. I thought about the item for a very long time. Then I thought about sending the item for a very long time. Then I got the item to send but I left it on my dresser for two weeks. Then I put it in my purse and walked around with it for a while. I thought do I or don't I. I should just send it because then it won't be on my mind. Yeah but... I should just get rid of this burden and get give it away and then... Yeah but I don't really want to do this. I would rather... Yeah but... And then I had an anxiety attack about it. I woke up and said no don't! Not today. Don't send it. After work I would say oh I should really send it. Just walk over to the mailbox. Just do it. There is one right around the corner. There is a post office right next to work and another one right by my train stop. I put an envelope in my purse but I didn't put the item inside of it. I carried these around for a while.

If I just did this then

If I could deal with the loss of this temporarily and then

If it's gone I won't have to debate anymore

If I just decided it would be ok

Whichever decision will be ok

Yeah but

Then I wouldn't be able to

Then I couldn't take care of

Then I will still not know

So I put the item in the envelope. And I carried that around for a few days. Then I addressed the envelope. Then I put a stamp on the envelope. I said I will send it Monday. But I forgot about it. I remembered much later and didn't feel like walking to the mailbox. I decided to send it Tuesday. I will walk over to the post office right after work. I put it on my desk to remember but I forgot it there until the next day. Wednesday it stared at me and said, "Don't send me! Don't do it! I don't want to! You're stupid!" A friend at work grabbed it and said that she was on her way to the post office and would be happy to send it for me. I stammered. I'm going there later, it's ok. Thanks. Maybe if I did it during my break it won't be such a big deal and I can come back to work and be distracted. I put my jacket on at 3pm and looked at the envelope and took my jacket off. Changed my mind.

Thursday I remembered to walk to the post office after work and I went right up to the mailbox and I.....