Irony

Recently my friend S mentioned that I need to learn how to write everyday and not just when the mood strikes. Well a hardy fuck you S. You have made me paranoid about this writing! I feel like I have nothing to say. S also mentioned that this blog has seemingly taken a turn in subject matter. But I don't feel like cooking! I don't feel like using a kitchen that belongs to someone else. Not as much anyway.

In an effort to put more meaning into my everyday I have become way too introspective and overwhelmed. Despite the fact that I made a New Years resolution about 5 years ago to "follow my bliss," I am obvioulsy still unfulfilled.

Today my boss said these exact words to me: "You're way too smart for this job. You should be looking into something else." Then he proceeded to show me a listing for a government job in Seattle that he thinks I should apply for. He told me that he feels it is part of his responsibility as a manager to see bright people move up and achieve better positions for themselves. Just yesterday I went to a session with a career counselor and we both agreed that getting stuck into that realm could bring me good money and stability here and now but I would still be unfulfilled and searching.

I wonder why there weren't other managers along the way that could have encouraged me in a field I wanted? All I remember was getting the "you have to pay your dues," and "you've got to start somewhere" speeches over and over. All I did was start somewhere and pay dues for years. Ugly. I don't think my goals were unrealistic, especially since I knew people that similar paths worked out for. It's so strange that I am being pointed in a direction that I don't want to go but it is where I received the only positive feedback as an employee. How ironic to be good at something you hate to do.

I'm trying to figure out if I just have bad judgment in terms of wants and desires or if I need to be more honest with the world.