There and Back Again

In D.C. I felt ill. We had a short layover there until the last leg to Chicago. I barely slept on either flight over. We sat near four smelly men on our way to D.C. and I reached that point where you're uncomfortable no matter what. Can't sit. Can't stretch. Can't eat. So when I got to D.C. the rooms were spinning and I nearly fainted. I told Mom I had to go to the ladies room and she was asking me something about my bag. I said whatever and walked away and she insisted that she take my bag. No I needed to brush my teeth and I can't even talk anymore. I just kept the bag and walked on. It could have been hunger or dehydration or exhaustion but I felt very seriously ill. After freshening up I had to eat immediately so I looked for Mom but didn't see her. I figured she went back to the gate after walking with me to the bathroom.

I stopped for healthy snacks and an OJ and walked on to the gate which was about 25 feet away but she wasn't there. That was odd. I called her and she said she just went around the corner to call Dad and where was I? I told her to come back to the gate. D3. We had been there once already so I figured this was no big deal.

Too much time went by. I called her but she didn't have reception and it went to voice mail. The plane started to board. I called 5 times. Nothing.

I was about to ask them to page her when she called me crying.

Where are you? I don't know where I am!

What? I told you D3.

Why did you leave me? I don't know where I am!!

Oh come on. We're boarding. You were right down the hall, you couldn't have gone far.

You said B3.

No. D3. My god did you go all the way to another wing?

How could you walk away from me?

Just ask someone how to get here.

Mom arrived at the gate livid. She didn't even look at me. We had a little time if she wanted to get a snack too but she was too angry to grab anything and just wanted to get on the plane. I offered her my yogurt but she refused and blamed me for us nearly missing this flight as well.

No. No. No. I'm not taking any more drama. This is not my fault. I showed you where the gate was.

You shouldn't have left me alone. I wouldn't have walked out on you.

I didn't see you. I figured you went back to the gate.

I don't feel good.

You know what? I don't feel good either and I have nothing to apologize for. You should have been able to get yourself back 25 feet from where we started. Besides the gate was listed on your boarding pass.

I opened a book. She calmed down and tried to make small talk with me but I had snapped. I could no longer make conversation and please her. I thought we reached a good place sitting at that Gloria Jeans. We joked about how we would laugh about this someday and made fun of our flirtatious baristas.

We had talked extensively about the food in Israel: salad for breakfast and several white cheeses on wheat crackers, sweet yellow grape tomatoes to snack on, and Hana's wonderful home cooking. We went out to share a traditional Israeli breakfast one day and Inbar ordered Shakshouka for her son. I had never heard of this before and loved the name so much I had to have the recipe! Shakshouka is chopped tomato and red pepper sauteed in a pan with spices. Then you drop 2 eggs right in the middle and let the sauce cook them. It's delicious and simple.

I mentioned how much I liked it to Yanay and he said: Aviva, it's eggs and tomato.

I know! But it's so good. I've never made breakfast that way!

Aviva. It's eggs and tomato.

Still!

I thought of moments like that when I was on the last leg home. Something small to make me smile and realize that it was worth it to see these people and have a sense of family. It was overwhelmingly sad to have made it that far only to have Mom angry at me again for nothing. I wanted to have a special mother/daughter moment at some point during the ordeal but here we were in a perpetual state of drama. Some things can't be fixed and you have to accept circumstances the way they are. I wish I could help her be happier but now I know that I've done what I can.

There was talk of a real dinner when we got home but I was a wreck. Without saying a word to anyone I laid down and slept for 13 hours straight.

2 days later I went back to work and realized that I couldn't take anymore of that crap either. I gave notice that my final day would be that Friday, July 23.

The contract supervisor said: you know you're supposed to give a 2 week notice.

I know. But I'm not going to.

And on July 23 I finished my job and gained a little more freedom. Fuck them.

Hooray for Technology

And so I could either wait until Lufthansa re-opened at 4:00am to see if we could get on another flight, or try calling Dad. I went back to the 24 hour post office, this time nearly losing it myself, and after 3 tries was able to get Dad on the phone. I told him our predicament to which he said, "how the hell did you do that?"

It doesn't matter now. I need your help. First I need you to text Mom and tell her that I'm ok and will be back to get her soon.

I also have to cancel your hotel reservation in Frankfurt.

Right. Well ok. I'll wait here and call you back.

Dad was able to cancel the hotel. He was also able to text Mom and she responded while I was on the phone. I told Dad he would have to try and find the flight online. In the meantime I was going to have to find Mom and get her through customs since I was not coming back with a boarding pass. Only I had no idea how to get back. I tried a few ways but became more lost. The airport was shutting down in several areas and I became frightened that I fucked up. I asked security guard after security guard and it seemed like they all gave me the wrong direction. By pure chance I ran into a man that helped me find the ticket sales counter in the first place and knew of my situation. He lead me back to customs but not quite all the way.

So I went backwards through customs and was screamed at in Turkish by a security manager. He screamed and yelled and I was so shocked all I could say was, "No! Please! You don't understand. I have to find my mother!!!!"

Panic had finally seeped in and tears were brimming as I had to explain to the hundredth person with little English where my mother was and why I needed to get her and bring her through. One security guard confiscated my passport and held me by the arm as I directed us back to Mom. She was talking to a nice Malaysian man who hugged her goodbye once I was spotted. The guard demanded to see Mom's passport and she stupidly pulled out the Israeli one. He got more cross and asked us a series of questions. I told her to get the damn US passport out but she was annoyed with him and started to complain again. She was somehow told that Israelis didn't need to pay for a visa to enter Turkey and I said, "who cares damn it? It's $25!!!" Then he demanded to see our expired boarding passes and asked where our luggage was.

I had no idea where it was. Turkish airlines at the ticket exchange assured us that if we didn't get on the plane then our luggage didn't either but who knew? It hadn't been the priority to deal with this whole time and I had no idea whatsoever of how to get it. So the guard followed us through every step of the way back and ended up being really nice when he saw us finally together and hugging on the other side. I actually hugged him in thanks too but to my dismay he was jeered by his co-workers.

Of all things in the Istanbul airport I amazingly found a 24 hour Gloria Jeans where we could sit through the rest of the night. At this point it was midnight and I figured Mom needed to freshen up while I texted with Dad and got our tickets.

Dad was able to find tickets for $325 each online but needed my credit card to pay for it since Mom had maxed out theirs. So the vacation that was supposed to cost me nothing now cost me a lot. I paid and we were issued a confirmation number. Now all I needed was to find our bags. Once Mom got back and ordered a coffee I set out to do so.

The way they have it set up is to dial a number for lost luggage and an airline attendant will help you. I dialed about 4 times and consistently got a busy signal. I managed to find an attendant who directed me toward a crowd of people waiting to find their luggage. No one spoke English but after some hand motions and a half hour wait I was led to the holding area. Only staff is allowed in so once again they took my passport. It took some talking and waiting and sorting but since I kept the bag claim receipts it was easy for them to find it. (KEEP YOUR CLAIM TICKETS PEOPLE) This was the simplest part of the evening.

I went back to Gloria Jeans at 1:30am and rested there until 4am when we could check in. A long journey still awaited us.

Istanbul Airport

It got ugly. We had to get back to ticket exchange. They gave Mom the whole shpeal they gave me except when she asked if there was a return flight straight to Chicago, they said not until Wednesday because the flight on the 17th was full, and she had a total nervous breakdown. This one was larger than the first; wailing about having to start a job on Monday and how we can't stay the night here and refusing to get a hotel in the area and that her husband was out of work and she just wanted to see her friend!!!!!!

I kept asking her to be calm. Focus. All we need is to find a way out of Istanbul and then we will figure out the next step. They said that I could go through customs and up to sales and leave Mom there where she can sit. I could come back with the boarding passes. I convinced her to let me go without her and left her telling our woes to a nice Kenyan man.

After passing through customs I ran upstairs to the Turkish airlines windows and explained my situation slowly and calmly.

I can't help you.

I waited 60 whole seconds before I breathed, What?

I can't issue you another ticket. You got this through United Airlines. You have to contact them.

How?

Information.

Oh my god.

Luckily Information had the information and I was off to pay for the most expensive phone call of my life. Even luckier was the fact that the post office inside the airport where I was calling from took dollars and didn't drop my call. Being on hold forever makes you seriously worried that you are going to lose the one guy that says he is going to help you so I welled up and allowed a couple tears to fall. The man waiting to use the phone offered me his assistance and gave me his name number and told me where he worked. Ahmet seemed sincere but then again could be a human trafficker so I got more upset. Finally the guy on the phone said there were no further flights he could put me on using the mileage and we would have to pay.

Ok. Fine. No problem. How much?

Lufthansa has room on a flight tomorrow morning at 5:55 am that would get you to Frankfurt in time for the connection to D.C.

Great. Ok. How much?

Ma'am, if you buy them from me they will be $1000 each.

Huh? Are you serious? What do you mean if I buy them from you?

Ma'am, they are listing a few other prices. I can see they have flights available for $500 each but you would have to go to the Lufthansa counter and buy them there.

You're telling me that you see tickets available for half the price but you can't sell them to me?

Yes ma'am, I'm afraid so. It's late there now so I suggest you head over to their counter. If you can't get them at the counter you can call back.

Oh my god.

I hung up and ran back to Information to find out where Lufthansa was. Then I ran to the counter.

They were closed.

Chapter 4: And Then

On July 15 we kissed and hugged our friends and family and we cried as a taxi pulled up to take us to the train. Hana held me for a minute and said "Your mother is interfering too much with your life. You must go now. If you wish to come here we will take care of you, but you must leave your home. It's time."

I tried to understand Mom more on this trip. It was the first time we ever vacationed together and I feel like I learned a lot. S ometimes the things we don't want to do end up being the best things we do. Mom is much more fragile than I realized. I knew I had to step up and take care of things during the trip and we were about to embark on an awful return trip: Tel Aviv to Istanbul, Istanbul to Frankfurt, overnight in Frankfurt, Frankfurt to D.C. and finally D.C. to Chicago on the 16th. This is what you get when the airline flies you for free.

The first flight was delayed for some time so we shopped at my favorite jewelry designer's store, Michal Negrin. The jewelry is a quarter of the price at the airport. Mom bought herself a simple but beautiful necklace and tried to spend crazy money on me but I convinced her not to. When we got back to the gate we still had time so I told Mom I wanted to check out some books, but really went back to buy her matching earrings.

In Istanbul we had about an hour and a half so we shopped at the old bazaar store for some trinkets to bring for friends. We had already gone through the flight connection checkpoint and I knew where our gate was. I needed to get something to drink and then Mom wanted to get some silly airport pictures of us and then I looked up at the board and it said LAST CALL for our flight. I was like, huh????? How was that possible? I had this taken care of!

Mom and I started running down to the gate while she screamed behind me, "You better not have made a mistake!" We made it to the gate at 7:40 with a boarding time of 7:45 and I thought we were ok. But, they had another security checkpoint I wasn't expecting and despite the boarding pass listing 7:45 as the board time, it was really the flight time. Turkish airlines has a 15 minute policy about this and did not let us on the plane. We could see the plane and we were about 5 feet from the gate but they didn't let us on. We weren't the only ones this happened to. Security told me to run upstairs and talk to the Turkish airline attendants in the office and maybe they could open the gate for us. I RAN.

Mom yelled, "where are you going?" I turned around quickly and said, I'm going to try and get us on that plane! Stay there! I'll be right back!"

The office workers were behind an unmarked door in a hallway that took asking 5 people about before I could find it. They were nice but said that I had to go to "ticket exchange" and get on another flight. They said there might be another flight with a different airline to Frankfurt and we'd be ok. Going back to ticket exchange meant a lengthy hike back to the area where we had the flight connection checkpoint. I had to show my passport and boarding pass to about a million people in order just to get there. Finally I had two friendly guys help me at the counter but I was embarrassed by everything and realized very quickly that it was getting late. If we didn't get on a plane soon we'd be stuck in Istanbul. The guys asked where I was coming from and I blurted out, "Tel Aviv. Don't be mad! I like everyone I swear!"

They smiled. They checked other airlines because that was the last Turkish flight to Frankfurt that night. They said I might be able to get on a different flight, maybe even a direct to Chicago, but I would have to talk to sales. In order to do that I had to buy a visa to officially enter Turkey, go through customs, get upstairs to the tickets sales area, and come back for Mom with the newly issued boarding passes. They said sales could help us find a hotel if the flight isn't until tomorrow. Good grief. I looked at the line for customs and realized I had been away from Mom for nearly an hour. I had to go back and get her. The guys walked me through and explained to other guards what was going on.

Arriving back at the gate I saw my mother in the arms of a fellow traveler, weeping uncontrollably. I waved but she was such a wreck she didn't see me. The man holding her said in a heavy German accent, "Look there! There is Aviva! There she is!"

She blubbered on about how she thought they were holding me in some cell and that she was never going to see me again. She said that she called and left me several voice mails begging me to come back to the gate. I told her my phone was still not working properly and thought she knew that. Then I said that she needed to sit down so that I could explain what we had to do. I shook the man's hand and thanked him for taking care of her.

Oh wow. I knew my mom had a dramatic streak but this was not the time! Luckily I had the sense to buy some water on my way back to her. She was shaking violently and could barely walk to a chair. She said, "I don't feel good. I don't feel good."

Ok. Try to calm down. I am taking care of this. I made a mistake and now I have to fix it. You have to come with me now.

No. There was a woman from Turkish airlines who saw me crying and she said she would get us on a flight directly to Chicago.

Mom, she was trying to make you feel better. We have to exchange our boarding passes and we can't do that here. Trust me I just talked to like a million people trying to fix this.

You're wrong. She said she could help us. She was a supervisor.

Fine, fine. Where is she now?

Upstairs in the office.

I already talked to them. Please you have to follow me.

Let's go talk to her. I know where she is.

We walked upstairs to the same unmarked door was was confronted by rude gentleman that barked at us to go down to ticket exchange. They couldn't help us.

Mom started anger tears. She yelled, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. I HAVE A JOB. I HAVE TO START MONDAY. I CAN'T BE STUCK HERE.

Then they got really pissed and started to walk away. She demanded to talk to the woman. They said she was on her dinner break. Mom wanted to wait for her. I asked this guy if the woman could really get us on another flight or if we had to go to ticket exchange anyway, and he said we had to go through the same procedure anyway to get the new boarding passes. I said ok , thank you and then she lost it.

How dare you undermine me when I am speaking.

Please I've been through this already. You need to follow me now.

Fine. Fine.

We walked away from the door and back toward ticket exchange all the while she is muttering, She said she was going to help us. We could have gotten on a direct flight to Chicago. If you would have just waited....

Right before leaving the area we couldn't go back to, I calmly said that if she really wanted to go back and wait for this woman I would wait but that she had to realize that I just ran around trying to fix this and I understand what to do.

What's the point now? No I don't want to. You never listen to me. Forget it.

Don't hold this against me. I don't think she can really help us. There is a procedure.

Forget it!!!!

As I pressed the elevator button she said under her breath, we were right there and you walked away instead of listening to me.

And then I lost it.

STOP GIVING ME SHIT!!!! I roared right in front of a woman in full burqa and her children..............

Over Too Quickly

7/14/2010: email to Dad

Hi Dad. Well the trip is pretty much over now. I am super annoyed that we wasted the free airfare to come here for such a short time! Now that I'm here I don't want to leave! This is one of the places I've been to that always feels like a mistake to leave.

Mom woke up with a serious migraine today but after taking 5 Advil in less than 3 hours she was willing to go to Tel Aviv. I told her that I was pretty sure you're only supposed to take 4 Advil in 24 hours but she claimed that it was ok. We spent a lot of time getting there and then finding lunch so I didn't get to swim. We had to see some long lost relative of Mom's today so we were at the gorgeous beach for a whopping 20 minutes. I could tell Mom was disappointed too. I put my feet in and walked a little and that was it.

Tel Aviv is incredibly interesting. I need to go and spend a whole week there. On the beach we asked one girl for directions in Hebrew but she only spoke Portuguese. Guys playing catch on the beach dropped their ball and when I handed to them, they said, "Merci." Two random women starting speaking to Mom is Russian. It's a fascinating place. Inbar did her push for me to move there. She says Ronan would have no trouble hiring me and it would be an interesting job with travel. It's nice of her to offer. If I wasn't concerned with the loneliness it might be something to consider.

I realized today that I understand what they're saying. Somehow, whether just through the exposure or what I realized that I understand Hebrew. I don't think I was ever immersed in it this much before, but I get it!

The relative we saw today is 91 and we totally made her day by visiting. Mom was overwhelmed that the woman recognized her voice on the phone immediately and was excited to see her. I'm concerned that Mom wishes she had a big family so much that she is living in the past. She wants me to help her look up all kinds of people now and she wants me to get to know them. I think Mom feels like moving to America robbed her of family ties. She kept on saying, "See? You have a family!" I don't know how to make connections like this. It doesn't feel real to me.

People here are really nice though. If you ask someone for directions they will be your best friend all of a sudden. We encountered a few people just today that talked and talked and wanted to be sure we knew where we were going. It was so refreshing. Really I keep thinking of getting on the CTA and I don't know how to face it now. Their train is soooo nice. Not the buses so much though. Driving in Tel Aviv is insane. People in the bigger cities have too much aggression.

I hope you're having a good time alone. Tomorrow we have to get to the airport at least 3 hours ahead of the flight. Wish me luck with this insane return trip.........

Otra Dia

In a journal entry on July 13, 2010 I wrote about the differences Mom would face if she were to live here. Currently Mom lives in a three bedroom apartment with a professional stove and oven, marble counter tops, has huge closets packed to the brim, and she owns a luxury car. This would all go if she were to move here and I think she is ok with that. Hana's flat is easily a third the size of my Mom's and she shares a car with her husband. She does not have a full bath, only a small shower and you have to squeegee the water from the floor into the drain. This is not a big deal and she has a nice place. She lives in a gorgeous neighborhood and can walk to various amenities, but the difference is incredible. So in the U.S. you have more opportunity to buy shit, so what? Does the ability to buy shit equal a better life?

Yanay mentioned to me that in all his travels to New Zealand, Australia, and several places in Asia, he did not meet one single American. I told him its because we don't have a culture that encourages world travel. He said in Israel it's not a question of going or not going, it's where and when. Each person takes an extended break from Israel usually right after the army. The "big trip" can last anywhere from a year to several depending on reserve duty. Yanay was called back during a trip to Canada because of the situation with Lebanon a few years ago. He can't imagine why on earth Mom wants to retire there. He thinks she might be having some sort of mid-life crisis. Yanay's best friend was killed in the clashes with Lebanon and each person we know in Israel has been touched by unspeakable tragedy.

His wife Shera said the army duty is the main difference between the Israelis and the Americans. They all have to serve and she believes it creates a resourceful and resilient population. She said you feel like you are doing something for the country and for the Jewish people. I never saw it like that. I always assumed that you would disagree with an assignment or feel conflicted or see it as a never-ending cycle.

Inbar took her family to the United States for six months this year. Her husband had a temporary assignment with a company and they got to experience real American life. They managed to go to Wisconsin Dells, Disney World, and suffered through an epic Minneapolis winter. I was impressed. She said that it was so funny how different things were. She felt that this was the first time her husband got to spend real family time with them. They do not have a 9-5 work day here and he often leaves at 7 and comes home at 8. They also have a 6 day work week, with only a half day on Friday for Shabbat and a full day off Saturday. Yikes!

Many people at her husband's work would say, "we should really get together sometime." And then it would never happen. Inbar said she learned this was a manner of speech and people didn't ever mean it.

No come on. Surely you made some friends with people at his work?

Not really. They all went home to their families and that was that. We eventually were invited over for a Superbowl party and there was another family we connected with but that was it.

Wow a Superbowl. You really had an American experience.

It was great! My kids were even taken to a "Little House on the Prairie" school so they could experience what it was like then. They were in an old schoolhouse and all the mothers and the kids had to dress up like back then. It was amazing!

Did you meet other moms there then?

Oh, same thing. I'll call you sometime. We should really get together. It took us a while but we finally understood it's just a saying.

What? You can't be serious.

Yes. Let me tell you, when I was traveling with Ronan in Argentina we worked for a company selling art and postcards. We would go to the shops and the owners would say, "otra dia." We know Spanish so it means another day. So ok, what day? Tuesday, Wednesday, you tell us when. It took us a while but we found out Otra Dia really meant Get Lost. So when Ronan came home from work I asked him if he made any plans and he would say, "otra dia." It was a running joke between us.

That's awful!

I felt truly terrible about this. She said that it ended up being a good thing because they had real family time and had wonderful experiences. If they had stayed longer she said she would have made more efforts also. I couldn't believe that they were so close to us for 6 months and we didn't bother visiting. I know we said that we should.....

The People

7/12/2010: email to Dad

Dear Dad,

There is good news and bad news, well bad news from my perspective anyway. Bad news first: Mom is complaining non-stop, has cried about 8 times today and has blown up at me twice in public. I didn't do anything to provoke it. We spent the entire day today at a mall. AN ENTIRE DAY. First she was upset about not being able to find a suitable present for Hana. Then Grandma. Then she was angry the mall didn't have a place to do the eyebrows. I told her to let it go that we're only here for a week and she freaked out. The hand trouble is much worse, the allergies are much worse, the stomach is worse, the sweats are worse etc. I have no idea why we are here. This hasn't seemed to do anything for her yet. Mom doesn't know how to relax and let go of anything. Hana doesn't have any real plans for us so I don't get it. Hana commented to me yesterday that mom seems "not well." I feel helpless about it. So don't tell Grandma that part anyway. I thought this trip would help. She has said that she feels free though. It was definitely good to get away from Grandma and Uncle.

I asked Mom if we could spend a day at Haifa touring around or something but she intends to get the eyebrows, nails and toes done then go meet some long lost relatives that she hasn't called yet. She also needs to go to some office to deal with the passport issue. I'm trying to be a good sport and be along for the ride. She wants me to get together with Tania's son in Jerusalem but I don't know when.

The good news is that we watched the World Cup at Inbar's house with the whole family and it was really fun. They are such a nice group of people. I decided that they could be my honorary cousins because that's what it's supposed to be like when you get together with family. I like them a lot. Yanay offered to take me out tomorrow night which is really nice.

Honestly Dad besides the whole politics/enemy thing they have going on here it is a better quality of life. Hana owns her flat and there are no association fees whatsoever. No one fights with their pharmacy or insurance over brand name vs generic. No one is allowed an unaffordable credit line, and credit card companies don't stalk you to join them. The public transportation is efficient, clean, and easy to use. We took it today to the mall and it was a piece of cake. Everyone, I mean everyone speaks perfect English and look forward to the chance to practice it. Mom bought tickets for the train and spoke to the woman in Hebrew. After detecting another accent they switched to Russian. Then I asked Mom a question but the woman answered me in English. Switching languages was no big deal and it's something we think only linguists can do but here everyone does it like nothing. Going abroad reminds you just how much bullshit the US really is. If it wasn't for the security issue and political ugliness I would actually think Mom has a point about moving here. As it is, Hana watches the news about 5 times a day.

Mom says she misses you and wishes you were here. She also really loved the airline we took here. Continental is the way to go for international flights. It was comfortable, not packed to the brim, had good staff, decent food, and tons of movies to choose from. I finally got to watch Alice in Wonderland..........(etc.)

During a heart to heart at the mall I asked, "what are we doing here? is it really worth it just for a week?"

Yes it is. I want to be around my own people. Any amount of time would help. If I could just see what every day life is like for Israelis I will know what I can do next.

Bingo. I got it. She wants to live with people like her: people who switch languages, people who feel good in scorching hot weather, people who eat salad and white cheese for breakfast, people who have had similar families and backgrounds. It makes sense. After facing years of horrific prejudice from a nasty mother-in-law and dealing with disgusting customers at a thankless job, who wouldn't want to move somewhere they feel comfortable? I feel exactly this way during holidays, does it get worse? And so this feeling is why people move here. I always thought why the hell would you live in such turmoil when you could be in the States or the UK? I am starting to see why. I also thought she wanted to move to Israel instead of dealing with her situation better but no that's not it. It's possible that she never really liked or fit in to American life. Maybe she must move here. Maybe it would be nice if I visited more often.