oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my godoh my god oh my godoh my god oh my godoh my god oh my godoh my god oh my godoh my god oh my godoh my god oh my godoh my god oh my godoh my god oh my godoh my god oh my godoh my god oh my godoh my god oh my godoh my god oh my godoh my god oh my godoh my god oh my godoh my god oh my godoh my god oh my godoh my god oh my godoh my god oh my godoh my god oh my godoh my god oh my godoh my god oh my godoh my god oh my godoh my god oh my godoh my god oh my godoh my god oh my godoh my god oh my godoh my god oh my godoh my god oh my godoh my god oh my godoh my god oh my godoh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my godoh my god oh my godoh my god oh my godoh my god oh my godoh my god oh my godoh my god oh my godoh my god oh my godoh my god oh my god oh my god oh my godoh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god

It's Not The Tailor

A few years ago I had a pair of dress pants shortened. To my dismay, the tailor had made one side longer than the other and I didn't know if I should go back and complain or what. I had already worn them out a few times and didn't notice the difference in legs until I was standing in a full length mirror months after the job was done.

Awareness was something often brought up during my yoga teacher training. It's funny how often conversations with friends lead to the topic of awareness. Most people are not emotionally intelligent or aware of themselves at all. I might as well say that none of us are really. And it's funny that we don't notice things or bother with self observance unless something is pointed out, and then we deny it anyway. Is it really anyone's job to point things out in the first place?

In yoga training we spent every afternoon discussing anatomy. Unfortunately much of the discussion went completely over my head. It felt like we were discussing things better suited for chiropractors and physical therapists. I looked forward to learning about anatomy, but this was really hard and I didn't know how to apply it. I get that we want to be aware of people's injuries and give alternate poses for those in pain, but the specifics of an injury and how to tell if someone has it seemed strange to me.

Each day we did a posture lab in class where the instructor picked out a few students and everyone watched them do a pose. We offered suggestions to make it better then watch the transformation, often times resulting in oooohs and aaahhhhs from the class. A pose I was called up for was Utkatasana, or commonly referred to as chair pose. The problem was that I was going into it with a deep sway in my low back since I thought we were supposed to sort of reach for the sky as we take a deep hamstring stretch. Nope. The torso has to move in one piece and stay in line with the hips. Ah ha. I didn't mind that everyone made a circle around me and commented on what my body was doing, until one comment.

A guy in class said that he could see I was twisted and one arm reached out longer than the other. I had no idea what he was talking about. He asked if he could move my arms while I was in the pose, and I could not believe how much he moved me so that I was "straight," or "aligned," as we like to say. The instructor said that I am a person with a curvature in the spine and that everyone should come look. They all stood behind me and commented on things I couldn't see. I didn't get angry but it was weird. I couldn't get how a bunch of yoga practitioners were determining what was wrong with my body.

Luckily the instructor said that for someone with a curvature like this, it isn't helpful to give them that kind of adjustment. If my arms are being pulled away from where they naturally go, then I automatically move my pelvis creating yet another unhealthy curve. She also had all of us stand in a circle and look at each other's shoulders reminding us that we are all a bit skewed and it's not a big deal.

A few days later we were deep into anatomy and again I had no idea what the hell people were talking about. I was completely lost and zoning out, when a thought occurred to me. If we know all the ins and outs of carpal tunnel, are we supposed to tell someone that they probably should get checked for it? All the manuals say that we are never to diagnose or give advice, but here we are learning all the things that are wrong with people, and learning how to delicately say something. I raised my hand and asked why it would be appropriate for a yoga instructor to point out something about the student's anatomy. I am not comfortable with this. My point was that just coming to yoga itself is an act of wanting to learn about your own body and if injuries or strange occurrences come up, you can then go talk to your doc about it.

The classmate who pointed out my crookedness immediately wanted to know if I was upset by his comments and suggestions. I said that I wasn't but I honestly didn't see how it was useful. So I'm crooked, so what? I told the class that I had a yoga instructor that told me she could see one side of my body was higher than the other in my down dog, and I thought so what? I mean you can see something that someone else doesn't, but what am I supposed to do with that information? Run out and get an MRI? Chiropractor? Freak out?

The discussion then turned from what I was trying to point out to people's emotional health and how we have to be careful of what we say so they don't get angry or hurt. I couldn't believe it. I wasn't trying to attack anyone, I just don't know how helpful it is for someone who isn't a doctor to tell a student: hey you have this going on, did you know? I tried to reiterate but there seemed to be a consensus that yes, it was our job to make people more aware. A yoga teacher has the ability to help people gain awareness of their body and connect the mind to the body, and that it is a cornerstone of this practice.

Well, I'm not telling anyone that they might want to get anything checked out, that is up to them. I feel that the awareness teachers are hoping their students gain will happen by default. The more you challenge your body the more you find out what your limitations are. My motto in teaching yoga is going to be that I won't tell anyone how to live their life.

The weirdest thing in all of this is that I guess I forgot about the spinal curvature. I'm sure my parents have funded a couple years of golf club memberships for my chiropractors and physical therapists. In high school I suffered with extreme back pain, but with a few lifestyle changes I can walk and dance and do yoga and I'm fine. A long time ago, I figured that this was going to be as good as it gets. I don't know what else I'm supposed to do about it now if I don't feel bad.

But don't I feel bad? Sitting in an office all day gives me sharp low back and leg cramps. This doesn't happen on a regular basis to most people I know. I always thought that I just hated sitting all day, but there is an actual physical response. My body is rejecting the position due to the spine's movement. What a lightbulb. I never noticed this before but I lean heavily to my left, and am probably never sitting with both shoulders aligned. Since figuring this out I mindfully push over to my right more so there is less pressure.

Would I have realized this if not for the discussion in yoga? Chances are that I would have over time, but it's good to know. Lately I've been a little upset and paranoid about it, but we are all walking around with things wrong with us. When I have more money I could try rolfing or something to straighten out more. Getting upset about one boob being lower than the other or how I will look as an old lady isn't worth it. I'll just have to take calcium and embrace crookedness. From now on, both pant legs have to be measured instead of using the guide from one. It's not the tailor, it's me.

Dear Friends

I know you mean well.

Is it possible that because I talk openly and honestly about myself that you feel like you should give advice?

I don't need it. I am great. Some set-backs have occurred. Several really. I am the broke Bridget Jones. That's fine. She was super adorable in both the book and movie.

It's nice of you to say things because you read some article that you think will help me, or because you had some friend somewhere that had a terrible experience doing something that I wanted to do.

But come on.

The facts are that maybe you didn't know me when there was less confusion and there were solid goals with achievable possibilities. Or maybe you didn't believe in what I was doing then anyway. I tried hard and it didn't work out.

And then I took on other things that I thought would help.

And then I tried to do something completely different because I believed I deserved to be successful somewhere. And then I panicked and was disappointed in the circumstances.

But I will be honest again and say that your discouragement doesn't help either. You may not realize you are discouraging but several of you say things like: "teachers don't make any money." " law school is soooo expensive." "there aren't any jobs for lawyers." "there aren't any jobs for MBAs." "there aren't any jobs for teachers." "journalism is dead." "liberals arts is for yo yos and flakes." "what's the point in more school anyway?" "you shouldn't go into that field unless you're 100% sure you want it." "I wouldn't take anything for less than X amount of money." "there are too many graphic designers now." "there aren't any jobs there aren't any jobs there aren't any jobs."

It may seem like some of these comments are helpful, but no one is ever 100% sure on a decision. There are doubts about everything. Why feed the demons that stop people from giving themselves a chance? And so what if there aren't any jobs that we are finding now? It won't always be that way. And you might have to move or really stretch the original idea out to get paid doing what you want. Or you might have to accept abysmally low pay.

And by the way, guess what else is expensive besides education? EVERYTHING. Everything is stupidly expensive from buying birth control to raising a child. From buying groceries to running a restaurant, it's all ridiculous costs. It's not a good reason to avoid doing what you want. I definitely have learned that one over time.

It's no one's fault but mine that I refuse to accept lousy circumstances for myself and have been unemployed and frustrated many times over. But I am taking chances. Sometimes they end up very bad, but someday they will be very successful. It will have been useful to go through these areas of disaster and growth.

And no, I do not want your help with my resume or LinkedIn. I have a career counselor from which I gain a lot of information. In addition, I recently went to an informational interview with an HR director who gave me opposing information from the career counselor. That would mean that you probably do not know better than I, since no one has the right answer. I think LinkedIn is unhelpful for my current circumstances anyway. This may change, but if I don't want to be an administrative professional, then why would I create a profile saying I am one?

I dare say, most of you are sitting behind a desk possibly getting a fatter ass, and just wondering what it would be like if you gave yourself the chance to do something different, or talking yourself out of it altogether. Or you are reading articles and deciding that you know a lot about a field you are not in, or have not experienced. I don't think it's fair to decide you know something about a friend's road if you haven't traveled it.

I do know people that have gained success in fields that people think are a wasted effort. A friend of mine just landed a role on a network sit com. An acquaintance opened a photography studio six years ago and is now doing better than ever. A travel friend I knew was a dancer in Riverdance. The lawyers and MBAs and teachers and small business owners that I know are doing ok, even if they do things differently from what they intended. And yes I know plenty of people unable to do what they want at all. I don't believe that anything they tried wasn't worth it.

So what is the point of putting down any field or degree or confusion or choice? The job market or the career decision might just be plain luck or good timing. Or it works out because you successfully went after something specific and didn't give up until you got it. If things didn't work out then there is plan B, C, D or whatever you end up on.

If there is anything I learned from temping at an advertising firm this year, it's that there are some incredible salaries out there for people who got their foot in the door of the right place. There are also some stupidly inflated salaries for arbitrary positions in which the value of said position could evaporate in a moment's notice.

I'm sorry to get on the defensive because I know that I whine and am easily disappointed. But it's ok to listen and relate rather than discourage. It's all going to work out anyway.

Yesterday I made an onion tart with apples on top and it turned out unbelievably disgusting. So I threw the whole thing in the garbage and laughed it off. I can make it better next time.

Yes sir.

I am a writer. I am a writer. I am a writer. I am a writer. I am a writer. I am a writer.

WHAT A CROCK OF SHIT.

Oh my goodness

Yoga yoga yoga.

The Funny Thing

I haven't written much lately because somehow blogger deleted an entire post I had saved in the drafts and I wanted to kill. Oh well whatever, with every loss comes a gain.

I actually love to write about unfortunate events with my self deprecating comedy, or fury in the case of the lawsuit and uncle posts. It's probably a good thing that I can find funny things in these situations after releasing them into writing. But I suppose it's too bad that I haven't written much about the great things. And it's really too bad that friends worry I am suicidal or homicidal or somehow insulted them. I'm not sure if what I should be doing now is posting pictures of a turkey burger I made from scratch or what. I felt like a turkey burger. So I made one. Next week I will make a lentil burger with brown rice. Exciting.

Lately my pot smoking neighbors are stinking up the hallway so much that I wonder if I should say something or just ask them for some. The sound of ambulances passing the window at all hours is nightmarish. And my building manager shared too much of his private life with me and now when I pass him, I see visions of it in my mind. This is exactly why I never wanted to live in large apartment complexes. There are definite benefits which I am learning about, but all these little things make me a little nuts. I like quiet. I like having to deal with only a few people. On the bright side, I never hear the upstairs neighbors, I almost always get laundry done when I need to, and it's easy. I don't worry about safety or maintenance ever. And the dishwasher has changed my life.

I recently found out that I did not get the 3rd job in a row that I really wanted. Of course I am disappointed, but these occurrences have made space for me to take a yoga teacher training program this summer. The funny thing about this is that any financial analyst in their right mind would not advise me to do this now, but there you go. I did it anyway. Somehow I have a feeling that in the long run, this will be a worthwhile investment. I am so done taking advice from anyone I know anyway. I don't want their lives. I still want this one even if it's a little fucked up.

And speaking of these job losses, come on. Were they crazy? Someone was better than me for the job? Impossible. I am awesome. I am a spectacular assistant, tutor, teacher, trainer, admin, etc. What the hell were they thinking not hiring me? I prioritize well at work, I ask for projects when I don't have any, I try to be involved more and assist even in the stupidest shit like carrying equipment or cleaning off some asshole's desk. I'm a riot; even when I am having a bad day I can be funny. And when I can't deal with people, I try not to bother anyone. I am respectful even to those I can't stand, and I am nice to a fault.

The funny thing about my previous experiences and disappointment in them is that I am now certain that I was too nice to everyone. I may not have been the most professional employee until the last two years or so when I finally got it. Over time I became more focused and dedicated and professional. I might not have been the best receptionist or accounts payable person, but I've learned from mistakes. I think. Still, I am sooooooo nice to all the mother fuckers in my life it is ridiculous. And that includes friends, drinking buddies, family, acquaintances, and lovers. I am tooooo nice.

I was harassed nearly every day at a job in Chicago and everyone said that I was lucky to have it. Why? A manager there told me that she received complaints from my co-workers that I was doing too many things at once, and that I shouldn't have been rushing around the office trying to help a customer. I wasn't supposed to rush around the office looking for things. That was what managers do, and I wasn't a manager was I? Did I think I was a manager? Because I wasn't. I wasn't no manager and I shouldn't be thinking I'm better than the ladies who worked there for 20 years. I must have slept with the director of the agency to get the job anyway. I didn't have any talent they needed. Who was I to think I was entitled to a desk?

Yes, I admit to making bad judgement calls and decisions in some cases, but after a lot of speculation I've determined that it's not me, it's them.

It's definitely them. When I get upset or disappointed in a relationship, whether it is personal or professional I immediately think it's all my fault. I did this wrong, I did that wrong, I am the common denominator, I am a total loser, I disappointed the person that got me a job, I disappointed my grandma, I disappointed my friends, etc. Right off the top of my head I can think of 5 people that I am no longer friends with and have agonized over why anyone wouldn't want to be friends with me. I am finished thinking that way. If anyone wants to leave a relationship with me, hallelujah. Either I burned a bridge or they are a dip shit or both. Every ending brings a new beginning.

What kind of moron wouldn't want to be friends with me anyway? How many people do you know that get themselves into the hilarity and hi jinx that I do? Just today I was reminded that I once auditioned for a murder mystery theater for fun. A while ago I was reminded that after listening to the advice of a gay friend, I put an ad up on craigslist requesting the perfect man. This is how he found his husband so surely I would too. Expecting to receive a series of penis pictures, I was pleasantly surprised at how many responses of well wishes I received. "I'm too old for you, but I love what you wrote and I hope you find him."

I posed in the nude for a photographer in Chicago many years ago. We settled on a deal where my head would not be connected to my body in any photo he displayed in a gallery so that the whole me couldn't be seen. It was supposed to be "war like" shots in which all manner of horrors were coming at me. I preferred to pose with classical music on, but he preferred classic rock. Somehow the music choice cheapened the experience for me. I did this twice and never again. Still, he had said that I would be invited to his openings, and I never received the information.

I take it back. I have posed 2 other times for 2 other photographers. One was naked on the beach in Greece and the other was with a friend for a specific project. I was to receive copies of the Greece photos but did not. The other project was just a couple years ago. I drank an entire bottle of wine during the experience and have no idea how my boobs got out, but they did. These photos I own, but have never looked at them.

In high school I kept my weed smoking devices strapped to my bra since my mother was fond of searching my room. I didn't have any place to hide it except on my body and people must have wondered what those lumps were about.

Once I auditioned for a solo piece in a ballet that I really wanted. At the time I was assisting with teaching dance to very little girls, and the bitch Russian instructor thought she should knock me down to size. She had me audition right there in front of all those little girls, when I hadn't really memorized the timing or routine yet. I went into it knowing I was going to fuck up and heard the girls laughing at me throughout, especially when I couldn't hit the grand jete properly.

So you see? People are missing out. I must learn to un-attach myself from embarrassments and disappointments and shit people. Embrace the hilarity and ridiculous and failures. You don't want this in your life? Too bad for you.